Regardless of what I do, there will be fear. Both if I am in a boring job all day or if I am out there saving the world. That’s mostly what I have learned in my three months of therapy with this new young psychologist who was brave enough to take my case.
Yesterday, I almost imploded due to the overwhelming routine I have slowly but steadily developed in this last year.
Watching from a distance, everything looks just fine:
I have this awesome job in an international company that provides a good salary, cool mobile phone, gadgets, a new car, opportunity to climb the corporate ladder, you know, awesome stuff. I also have time to share some science communication content in my social media, so I keep an eye on how the world is changing out there. I have time to practice different languages at night, I am getting good at Dutch this year, but I keep practicing other 5 or 6 languages I already know to keep this cute brain of mine active and with strong neural pathways.
Saturday mornings are to walk around my neighborhood picking up cigar butts to keep the cleaning-the-world-purpose flame alive in my heart. I try to sleep early, drink enough water, follow a skincare routine and eat a healthy diet everyday.
But I am still collapsing with fear and anxiety for apparently no reason twice a day. I have the vivid feeling and thought: “you only have 4 more seconds of life. Tell someone you are having a heart attack, or call an ambulance… 3… 2… 1…” They are never true. But they feel absolutely real. I stop everything I am doing and I want to run to the closest hospital.
That’s why I started this therapy nonsense. To look inside my awesome brain and brave heart looking for the cause of my sudden I-am-gonna-die-right-now panic moments.
I have been through my life a couple of times during the sessions, trying to discover what is causing the fear, and most importantly: how to stop it. I am not there yet. I have no clue. I have always taken very good care of the ideas that come inside my brain, because it is the sacred place where I store all my valuable possessions. Out of my body, I have not much to lose. I don’t really care much about material belongings. All of the important things are inside me. Untouchable and unstealable.
So yesterday, during this imploding moment full of panic attacks, I sadly realized something that scared me even more than death itself: these panic attacks may live with me FOREVER.
Naturally, this freaks me out. Maybe the panic will fade away from time to time… but it will be back to me regardless of what I do.
Limitless undying fear.
I have been building this perfect life for years, making sure my physical health is fine, and most recently, that my mental health is fine, too. But it is not enough for my brain and body to be at peace. I don’t know what else to do but to learn how to live with this, exploring my own mind till I finally dismantle (or not) this craziness (almost literal).
Going behind the search for a “stable life for good mental health” I gave up the awesome path I was creating for Future Thelma. I temporarily gave up the pursuit of cleaning the planet. I gave up fighting to save my baby entrepreneurial project. I gave up pursuing the eternal dream of studying in Cambridge. I gave up many pollution-related activities that positioned me like a sustainability expert some moons ago. I gave up the bootcamps, summits and events I used to enjoy and organize. I closed the door to awesome opportunities to keep growing.
Just as we all thought of the pandemic, I thought these panic moments and fear were something intense in the moment, but would give in soon. And I would continue with my life, with the same strength and optimism.
But that strength and optimism never came back. At least not by themselves. I have (and still in the process) to drag them back.
So I kept living in this low-profile life. Having this normal-person job I don’t really enjoy. Letting astounding opportunities fade away in the name of calm for mental health. And maybe it is precisely this frustration what is enhancing the panic attacks. My mind and body want to do way more for the planet than just being the smallest ant in a transnational company.
The fear will continue here. Maybe forever. Regardless of what I do. Or what I think. Then, why am I not being anxiously awesome? I stopped fighting for the planet for two years now. Letting my most precious resource, my time, fly away.
But now… exactly this week, life gave me another opportunity I just can’t miss.
As hard as it may be, it is time to go back on track and clean the planet. At least, if my mind is correct and I somehow spontaneously die, I would die cleaning the planet. Not trying to have the perfect life before cleaning the planet.
I just wanted to write it down. So I can come here to read this again when inevitably, fear and failure haunt again. I will take this new anxiety monkey that lives in my brain and build him an awesome room, so he can be comfortable, and hopefully gets distracted there, letting the other ambitious, smart, caring monkeys take over my body as it has always been.
Really wishing for the best, Thelma is back and ready to save the planet.
Thelma 🙂
Thelmaniaca's 